Healing The Heart
Have you ever felt emotionally “heavy” and couldn’t quite explain why? Me too. It’s as if you have a constant shadow lingering about, waiting to remind you of all the painful experiences you’ve accumulated over the years. Those mistakes you’ve made, the unmet needs you’ve carried, the things you regret doing, and, oh…do I have some of those. The disappointments and the painful experiences that led to self-loathing can leave you second-guessing yourself instead of moving forward with confidence and certainty.
I used to think that healing was pretending I was fine. You know, burying the things as if they aren’t really there… but it’s not. Healing is learning to tell the whole truth, including all the details about what hurts, without turning that hurt into a verdict about who you are.
What you’ll learn in this post:
Recognize the voice of shame (and why it feels so convincing)
Stop merging your identity with painful feelings
Tell the truth with tenderness, without minimizing what you’ve carried
Simple exercises that create space and relief
Small steps you can take today, because healing happens over time
Ways to steady your body when emotions rise
A question that shifts you from self-attack to understanding
One “next right step” you can take without pressure
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I don’t even know where to start,” start with being gentle and truthful with yourself. Healing begins with honesty and steadiness - one small choice at a time.
Healing the Heart: Your First Step Toward Freedom
I used to think that being healed was me pretending I was fine, as if those things never happened, or that they were so long ago it didn’t matter anymore, but that’s not healing. Healing is learning to tell the whole truth…including all the little details about what hurts and why, without turning that hurt into a verdict about who you are.
These past hurts are not who you are…they’re what’s happened in your life.
There’s a big difference!
The best way I’ve found to manage in the moment is to name what’s happening in my inner world, calm what’s happening in my body, and practice a truer thought, over and over and over again until my heart starts to believe it again.
SAMHSA defines individual trauma as something experienced as physically or emotionally harmful (or life-threatening) that has lasting adverse effects on a person’s functioning and well-being. Some things penetrate deep within us, and they don’t just leave because the ordeal has stopped or time has passed.
I realized “acting strong” was not going to bring healing
But there came a day when I realized I was doing most things “right” and still felt shame on the inside. That moment forced me to ask an honest question.
If my strength was built on my ability to “move on,” pretending all is well while staying numb, is it actually strength or survival?
That question became a turning point because healing my heart started when I got honest about my past and stopped forcing myself to function at the expense of feeling.
1. The hidden drive of heart pain: shame
A lot of heart-healing work runs straight into the central obstacle of shame.
Shame isn’t just embarrassment. Yes, it can be that painful feeling of humiliation or distress that comes with the awareness or remembrance that you did something wrong or foolish (Webster’s). But it also goes deeper. Brené Brown describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Put together, these definitions show why shame is so heavy: it doesn’t just point to what happened to you; it tries to label who you are.
Brené Brown’s definition touched my heart deeply because it was exactly what I experienced. Shame didn’t say to me, “Mary, you did something wrong.”
It said, “Mary, there’s something wrong with you!”
And when shame is dictating which path we take, even good things like healthy change, growth, or new positive habits start to feel threatening because “I’m not worthy of these things.”
My inner voice always landed on the side of criticism instead of compassion
My inner voice almost always landed on the side of criticism instead of compassion. I remember noticing how quickly my mind could turn an imperfect moment into the painful conclusion of, “See, you’re so stupid. You always mess things up.”
Not, “Man, that was really hard,” or “Shoot, that didn’t go how I’d hoped.” No, just a harsh statement that tried to label my whole self.
And from here, I would go straight to comparing myself to others, which only made it worse. I would look at other women and assume they were doing life better than I was. Stronger. Wiser. More put together. More disciplined. More lovable. Somehow, my mind always found a way to measure me against someone else and decide that I came up painfully short.
That kind of inner voice didn’t lead me toward healing. It kept me stuck in shame.
But compassion began to interrupt that pattern. It taught me to pause before I condemn myself, to tell the truth without cruelty, and to remember that one hard moment does not get to define the whole of who I am.
2. Name it without becoming it
When I became clued in on what I was doing to myself, I started practicing this simple skill, separating what I felt from who I was.
This is one of the most practical heart-healing tools I know:
Name what’s happening, without becoming it.
Instead of:
“I’m a mess.”
“I’ll never get this; I’m so stupid.”
“I’m so far behind it’s useless even to try.”
Desperate, Hopeless, Guilt…
Try:
“I’m noticing shame right now.”
“I’m feeling anxious in my body.”
“I’m carrying grief today.”
Empathy, Grace, Kindness…
That shift is small but powerful. It creates space between you and what you’re feeling.
And it aligns with what we know about pain and stress: when you can observe your inner experience, you’re more easily able to respond instead of react. You stop treating a feeling like a verdict.
There was a season when something would rise up inside me, even in moments that were completely safe. One small trigger could send me on a painful trip down memory lane, and before I even understood what was happening, my mind would begin pulling up all kinds of difficult things from my past. Things I did not want to think about. Things I wish I could forget.
But later, I learned something that changed me. One day, I began using a simple two-sentence practice the moment I noticed it:
“I’m noticing shame.”
“Shame is something I’m experiencing, not who I am.”
A counselor I was working with introduced me to a gentle but powerful way of looking inward. A process of noticing the different parts of myself and beginning to understand why they responded the way they did.
In this exercise, I was guided to observe my younger self, almost as if I were watching a movie. The purpose was to understand why certain things triggered such an intense response in me.
As I pictured her, I began to see things I had not seen before. This sweet little girl had experienced things she never should have had to endure, and somewhere along the way, without anyone teaching her, she had quietly taken on the job of protecting me, keeping me safe. She had been bracing, guarding, and reacting in the only way she knew how. But I was safe now, and she did not know that yet.
We worked through sessions like that for a while. And slowly, something began to soften.
The last time I pictured my younger self, she was no longer bracing or guarding. I brought her to the beach and left her there. I released her to frolic in the warm sun, laughing in the gentle waves.
Just a little girl, finally free.
3.Calm the body first
Many women try to “think their way” into healing, but the body often needs reassurance before the mind can soften.
Stress physiology is real. APA describes the stress response as the body “flooding” itself with hormones like adrenaline and cortisol when it perceives danger. Harvard Health explains the fight-or-flight response as a survival mechanism that is fast, automatic, and protective.
So, if your body is uptight, hyperalert, and wants to shut down, it may be because your nervous system has learned to stay on guard, ready for action.
Here are simple ways to “calm the body” that support heart healing:
Drop your shoulders.
Unclench your jaw.
Exhale longer than you inhale. This signals safety to your system and is my go-to.
Put a hand over your chest and breathe slowly for 60 seconds. “Putting your hand on your chest activates the body’s parasympathetic nervous system and triggers the release of soothing hormones like oxytocin.”
Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. “Grounding pulls you out of the spiral and breaks the anxiety loop.”
Why I stopped shaming my stress response
I used to judge myself for feeling overwhelmed, like it meant I lacked faith, grit, or maturity. Then I learned that my stress response was not a character flaw.
It’s a pattern that clues me in to what’s going on inside myself.
That one insight helped me replace self-criticism with curiosity: “What is my body trying to protect me from right now?”
That question is compassionate—and it leads to wiser choices.
4. Self-compassion is the healing balm for your wounded heart
If shame is a result of you being wounded, then self-compassion is often the first real medicine.
Harvard Health defines self-compassion as “showing compassion towards ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.”
Kristin Neff’s self-compassion work describes it as being kind and understanding toward ourselves while suffering. Being supportive, as we would be toward a friend.
A simple Google search defines it as “treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding you would offer a good friend during times of failure, inadequacy, or suffering.
I don't know about you, but just reading those words brings me peace. Because when you treat yourself with steady kindness, something shifts. Your nervous system calms. Your inner world steadies. It’s here where healing can begin.
Learning to speak to myself as I speak to hurting people
There was a time when I was incredibly hard on myself and barely questioned it. I would think things about myself that I would never have said to another person. Why? Because they were too mean. Somehow, I could offer others a mercy I refused to give myself.
We talk as a society about how damaging it is when someone bullies a vulnerable child. But I was doing something similar to myself, quietly, without fully realizing it. I had become my own worst critic, allowing a steady drip of sludge to wash over my heart and mind. Looking back, it breaks my heart.
Then, one day, like a gift from above, I heard about self-compassion. I never knew such a thing existed, much less that it would change me the way it did.
I started borrowing Kristin Neff’s simple language:
This is hard. I'm not alone in this. What do I need right now?
5. Your heart heals in truth, and truth needs repetition
Healing isn’t usually one breakthrough. It’s often a slow retraining over time.
One reason repetition matters is that the brain can change. The NIH/NCBI describes neuroplasticity as the nervous system’s ability to change its activity by reorganizing structure, functions, or connections in response to stimuli.
In other words, new patterns can be built in thought, emotion, and behavior through consistent practice.
So, when I say “truth,” I don’t mean forced positivity. I mean a fuller, truthful message that doesn’t let pain become prophecy.
Examples of “whole truth” thoughts:
“I feel behind - and I’m still learning and growing.”
“I’m too broken - I will take one small step.”
“Yes, that hurt - but it doesn’t get to define my worth.”
“My past shaped me, true- but it doesn’t get to imprison me.”
When the “whole truth” kept me from spiraling
I’ve learned that my spirals thrived on partial truths.
There have been moments when old insecurity tried to reclaim space in my mind. They started with a partial truth, such as: I made a mistake. I felt rejected. I disappointed someone. Something didn’t go the way I hoped. But then my mind would take that one painful piece of truth and build an entire story around it.
That is what made the spiral so convincing. It wasn’t always built on a complete lie. It was often built on a fragment of truth that had been stretched, exaggerated, and turned against me.
The truth might have been, “I’m struggling.” And there is nothing wrong with struggling. Struggling is allowed. But if I stopped there without bringing in the fuller truth, my old patterns of thinking could quickly take over. Suddenly, “I’m struggling” became “I’m behind,” “I’m unworthy,” or “I’m stupid.” Before I knew it, the struggle was no longer something I was experiencing; it was something I was claiming as my identity.
I came across Marie Forleo. She faces any difficulty with her famous saying, “Everything is figure-out-able.” She’s written a book with the same title. I’ve not read her book, but I’ve heard her talk about it, and the saying alone has echoed in my mind so many times. Whenever I’m stumped, I use neuroplasticity to stop the worry and hear her words, “Everything is figureoutable.”
I like to talk about this because it crosses over to what I’m saying here. Whenever Marie is faced with a situation she doesn’t know what to do with, or a problem, or a negative mindset about something, her go-to is, “Everything is figuoutable.” I have adopted this saying as well, and it helps snap me out of what could be a spiral.
Whole truth says: “I’m struggling, and I’m still worthy of gentleness, wisdom, and support,” and “I will figure this out - I always do.”
That second half changes the trajectory. It allows me to stay in control, gives me hope, pulls me out of despair, and keeps me solid.
6. Five simple Healing-the-Heart practices you can start today
If you want something concrete (and doable), try this 5-minute reset at least once a day. Also, you might find it meaningful to start journaling about the actions you’re taking. Write out the step you took, how it made you feel, or anything that comes to mind.
Step 1: Name it (30 seconds)
What am I feeling right now?
Pause for a moment and gently name what is happening inside you. Try to identify both the emotion and where you feel it in your body.
For example, instead of only saying, “I feel bad,” you might say:
“I’m feeling sadness, and my chest feels tight.”
“I’m feeling anxious, and there is tightness in my stomach.”
“I’m feeling shame, and I can feel heat in my face.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed, and my shoulders feel tense.”
Naming both the emotion and the body sensation helps you slow down and become more aware of what is really going on. Your body often notices pain, fear, sadness, or stress before your mind has the words for it. This is what I am feeling. This is where I feel it. I can be gentle with myself here.
Anything you think or feel is okay. There is no foolish thought, emotion, or feeling. You’re beginning to walk out of your past.
Step 2: Normalize it (30 seconds)
All humans suffer. Pain, struggle, mistakes, grief, fear, and insecurity are part of the shared human experience. I am not the only one who has felt this way, and I am not alone in it. Remembering this helps soften shame and reminds me that suffering does not separate me from others, it connects me in a common humanity. (This aligns with Neff’s “common humanity” element, which is so helpful to keep in mind.)
Step 3: Soothe the body (60 seconds)
Take a deep inhale. Longer exhale. Put your hand on your chest or arm. Drop your shoulders to a relaxed position.
Step 4: Offer a compassionate sentence (60 seconds)
“What would I say to a friend right now?”
Then say it to yourself.
Step 5: Choose one small next step (60 seconds)
Send one overdue text, go for a hike, write one paragraph, clean one corner. Pray one honest sentence.
Small steps rebuild trust inside you.
Transformation starts with small steps
I used to dismiss small steps as "not enough." If it wasn't a dramatic breakthrough, it barely counted. But I've learned that small steps, taken consistently over time, add up to something significant. That's actually how lasting change works.
Think about it. If you want to eat healthier, you don't overhaul your entire kitchen. You start by making a list, buying a few better foods, and cooking one delicious, nourishing meal. If you want to get fit, you don't run a marathon on day one. You make a plan, maybe buy a pair of running shoes, and show up for twenty minutes.
Healing is no different.
You start where you are, with what you have, and you take the next small step that's in front of you. Not all the steps, just the next one.
Small steps do more than just move you forward. They send a quiet message to the most wounded parts of you, saying, "I'm here. I'm not giving up on you. I'm not going anywhere."
That's what makes healing possible.
Healing is not pretending it didn't happen. Healing is deciding it doesn't get the final word
Healing the heart doesn’t mean you forget what happened or pretend you weren’t hurt. It means you stop letting the hurt rule over your identity.
It means you learn to carry your truth with compassion and tenderness.
And if you’re in a season where healing feels slow, remember that the goal isn’t to rush through it. The goal is to become you fully, steadier, softer, braver, more beautiful, and whole.
Thank you so much for being here. It means more than you know. If something in this post stirred something in you, don't rush past it. Just be still. You might also want to share this post with someone who needs to hear these words. And if you're ready to keep going, I'd love to have you hang out with me for a while.
Sources:
Brené Brown, “Shame vs. Guilt” (definition of shame).
Harvard Health Publishing, “The power of self-compassion” (definition and benefits).
Kristin Neff / Self-Compassion.org, “What is Self-Compassion?” (definition and elements).
SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) “Trauma and Violence: What Is Trauma and Its Effects?” (definition of individual trauma).
APA, “How stress affects your health” (stress hormones/cortisol framing).
NCBI Bookshelf (NIH), StatPearls: “Neuroplasticity” (definition).
